


Working Things Out

by aozorakon



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/F, Transgender, mtf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 10:49:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3725968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aozorakon/pseuds/aozorakon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My entire life I've felt like I was in the wrong body. Growing older, the worse it got. I'm taller, I'm masculine. My face and body with sharp edges that I can't stand. My body, without my choice has tone and strength radiating. I am a man. I am completely a man and that much is obvious with only sight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Working Things Out

**Author's Note:**

> I'm weary of posting this one, it deals with male to female trans issues and feelings. Also It's just. I don't think I've ever put it online before. Ugh, please be easy on me. :)
> 
> Also, sorry about the 1st person pov then 3rd.  
> I know it's annoying but it felt right to switch....so I did.

Sometimes I walk the world with a chip on my shoulder, okay, every single day that chip grows larger. I live a life that I don't understand. I can't be happy one way because the other leaves me without both a father and a brother. There wouldn't be a ray of sunshine in my life without them. 

My entire life I've felt like I was in the wrong body. Growing older, the worse it got. I'm taller, I'm masculine. My face and body with sharp edges that I can't stand. My body, without my choice has tone and strength radiating. I am a man. I am completely a man and that much is obvious with only sight.

I've been pushed into this role. My hair short to show exactly what you think. To make you think that I am normal. I sleep around without a care, but they know. They know when I get with them that in that moment they are the world because it never means nothing. 

I treat a woman like a woman, it's not just sex it's love. I love the body of a woman, close to obsession. I can never have what I want. I can never be want I want to be. One may say that every man is just a lesbian. No. That's far from that true. A man is a man. A man with the want to get off and that's it. To look and touch and take what they want without much to return.

I am not a man. I am a woman and I love women. A woman's body, though my obsession is the thing I am the most jealous of. Why do you have what I want and why can't I have what you have? The softness, the roundness. The curves that make you so beautiful. My jealousy pushed the only woman I'd ever fallen in love with far, far away. 

–

Dean looked in the mirror, dirty and cracked. He and his brother Sam were in another town, at another motel. He'd almost had it. Almost lost himself completely. He couldn't fight his own demons, how the hell was he supposed to fight the demons no one else could, too?

Sam was out. He'd found another to love. Again someone he could connect with. All the feelings his brother could develop in moments. Dean shook his head. He had plenty of time tonight. He could put the make up on and the wig, he could put the body binder on and smooth out the edges just a little so he didn't look too awkward in the dress. He knew his face could still give him away, but he could try, damn it.

He covered his freckles with foundation, he needed to hide all of himself, not just that he was a man. He put on powder to even things out and then blush, a sweet peach color. His lips were a baby pink and his eyes lined expertly. Fake lashes helped bring out the beauty of his eyes as did evening out his brows and filling them in a little. A little eye shadow, just a slightly darker than his skin tone made his look a little more natural. He didn't like to go over the top when he dressed up.

How did he even hide all this stuff he had? Was it under the mess of weapons in then back...or? He took a breath and stepped from the bathroom as his brother stepped into the room. His mouth fell open like he was ready with the excuses, but nothing ever came out.

“Dean...” Sam breathed out, Dean only shook his head. It was a silent plea for Sam to say nothing more. His pride was on the line. Did that matter, did he have to act like he cared that he'd just been caught in drag or could he just...pretend to be Sam's older sister for a little bit. He'd always been a little mama bear protective of his brother. 

“Sammy.” He didn't want to talk about it, he didn't want to lose his brother. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to scream and cry and just freak out. 

“Dee. You hungry?” Sam asked softly, “we can go out and get something.” 

Dean stood there, breath caught in his throat. Was this okay? Did Sam say we? Did he call him Dee instead of Dean? Of course he didn't know the name Dean preferred. Of course...did Dean even have one? Maybe Dee was good enough, short for Deena? He finally took a breath, “yeah, let's get something.” He couldn't believe the words came out at all.

Sam smiled, “you look really pretty, do you have a date?” Sam wasn't sure if what he was doing was right or if Dean was playing a trick on him. He didn't know but he was going to go along with this and see.

Dean shook his head and looked down. “I haven't found another lady who likes ladies like me, Sammy.” 

“It's okay, she's out there.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Dean didn't think she was.

–

Once in the diner, Dean let Sam do all of the talking. He kept his gaze mostly on the ground. When their food was delivered by a beautiful waitress, read haired, he wasn't sure what to think. She wouldn't stop looking at him, but it wasn't a look of; something's up. It was a look of interest.

“Here you are,” she nodded at Dean and smiled then turned to Sam, “your girlfriend is beautiful.” She told his brother and sat his food down.

Sam's look of shock was funny enough, but the cough and sputter had Dean covering his mouth so his deeper voice didn't erupt. “No-no, she's my br-sister. She's my sister.”

“Oh?” The waitress raised her eyebrow and bit her lip as she turned Dean's way, “I'm Charlie.” She held her hand out and Dean hesitated. “It's okay.”

Dean tried a small smile and held his hand out, a look of shame washing over his features. His hands were sharp and his arms held such strength. He thought maybe he'd throw up, tears were already find their way into his eyes. “Dee...” He whispered and looked from Charlie's eyes to the table.

Charlie took his hand, her eyes smiling as much as her lips, “it's okay, Dee.” Dean looked up, there was shock written across his features. “Really, don't worry about the small things.” She held her smile and shook his hand. “I have to go back to work, but please, if you need anything call for me.”

Sam sat there in shock, “even...you...how do you...” He sputtered out quietly.

Dean smiled and shrugged, “I don't know.” He looked like he might cry at any moment. “This doesn't mean I'm weak...”

Sam shook his head, “I never thought that.”

“I'm just...”

“Women aren't weak, Dee.” Sam took a breath, “and you're not weak.”

Dean nodded and tried to hide the tears that were rolling down his cheeks. “Which...I've never.” He was looking toward the bathroom. He looked back at Sam, “I've never been in public like this.”

“If you're...my sister...you go in the lady's room.” Sam spoke softly, “I think.”

“But, I...”

“You can sit down.”

“Yeah, but...”

“Dee. You're okay.” Sam tried to comfort his brother, even though he wasn't really sure what he was doing.

With the gentle push from Sam, Dean took that first step, and then the next twenty until the door to woman’s room was open and he was inside. Moments later, after he finished doing what he'd gone in there to do, and wash and dried his hands, he found himself stopped by the waitress, Charlie.

“Dee...” She sounded a little nervous. “Look, I don't know what it is about you, but...” she pushed him back and pressed herself against him. “O-oh...my gosh.” Her cheeks reddened. 

Dean gasped softly, “I-I...”

“I know what you are, I just want you.” She spoke softly, but Dean could tell she wasn't comfortable with his true body. 

“No, Charlie,” Dean spoke softly, “I, if you really think you want me, come to the Holt Motel, room six within the next few days.” With those words he pushed her back gently and left the bathroom.

“Come on, let's go.” Dean dropped some money on the table and turned to leave, “Sam, come on.” 

–

 

It was a couple of days later, when Sam and Dean were packing up to leave, Dean wearing a nearly transparent mask and Sam trying to respect his brother's obvious need to just not talk about it, there was a nervous little knock at the door.

Dean looked at Sam and shook his head, “I've got it.” Then answered, ready for whatever may come his way.

Charlie looked at Dean in shock, no make up, short hair and his masculine features just looked that much more masculine, “wow.”

“Yeah.” Dean's eyebrows knitted together, this was a big deal, he was already hurting and here's Charlie staring at him in awe.

“No, really. Wow.” She sounded shocked, amused, maybe even in denial. 

“Yeah.” Dean repeated and sighed softly. 

“You're a goddess with make up,” Charlie looked from Dean's sharp cheekbones do his chest, “and everything else, wow.”

“Wait, what?” Dean looked truly confused.

“I'm sorry it took so long, I've been fighting myself.” Charlie admitted. “I won,” she tried a smile, “I won and rushed over, hoping you would be here, but...” she looked around Dean to Sam packing, “it looks like I was too late.”

Dean exhaled slowly and nodded, “we've got to move to another town, it's a part of our job.”

“What do you do?”

“You don't want to know.”

“Dee, I have a question,” Charlie dug in her bag and pulled out a piece of paper and took in a long breath, “will you be my girlfriend?” Her voice ended in a squeak.

“What?”

“You heard me.” Charlie grinned almost nervously.

“Yeah, yeah.” Dean nodded, his voice growing excited, though he felt doubt bubbling up, “yeah, I will. But how, I have to leave.”

“I know,” She handed him the paper, “that's why we call each other and text and when you're passing through...we go on dates and be cute and stuff, and by stuff, I mean--”

“Yeah, that sounds really great.” Dean spoke softly, “I'd like that.” 

“Really?!” Charlie practically jumped up and down before stopping herself.

Dean laughed softly, “yeah, really.”

At Dean's words Charlie jumped up, wrapped her arms around his neck and did something no one, including herself would believe. She kissed him. But she knew that he wasn't really him. She knew that he was Dee, and that deep down Dee was her girlfriend and that's what it was, no matter what anyone else saw.

**Author's Note:**

> I use 'he' here even though Dean is portrayed as a woman in this story to help one understand his, Sam's and Charlie's confusion with his secret.
> 
> I know it doesn't seem done and it's a little scattered but I just don't know it I am every going to do anything more with it. Please let me know what you think, :3


End file.
